| November 28 2011
We don't always know―or want to know―the truth about our parents. Take the story I heard recently about an elderly gentleman who had passed away. The man had worked for the state government for many years and had seen both the good and bad side of life. After his wife died, his son moved him into an assisted living facility. While this man was having difficulty living on his own, he didn't really want to move.
This gentleman, who was in his eighties, was a bit lonely in his new home, and as a result he became friends with several of his caregivers. Two of those caregivers―a housekeeper and a nurse's aide―ended up becoming "special friends," which his family didn't realize until after his death.
After he passed away, the family discovered that the man, who was of modest means, had titled two of his accounts in such a way that he left the money to the housekeeper and the nurse's aide. Upon his death, the accounts passed directly to those women, outside of probate and away from the rest of his assets. When his oldest son found out about what his father had done, he was angry. The younger son was a bit more supportive and loving, perhaps to the point where he was denying that anything had happened. Neither son had known anything about their father's relationship with these two women.
Why are we telling this story? Often, children don't learn about their parents until after they pass away. That can be a sad thing, because the children never really got to know their parents as adults. At the same time, parents often fail to get to know their children as adults. In any case, sometimes we have to understand that parents are just ordinary people with frailties and weaknesses, including loneliness. They have a desire and a need to be with people and around people. Sometimes it's people of the same sex and sometimes people of the opposite sex. Sometimes it's for sex, and sometimes it's not. But whatever it is, we have to learn to accept these things because it's just part of who people are.
The hard part, however, is that sometimes older adults may establish relationships with people who don't have their best interests at heart. These individuals who get involved with an older adult may have ulterior motives, such as financial gain. Sometimes it's an honest exchange, and sometimes it may not be. We don't know the exact situation in the story I just told you. We don't know if there was undue influence or if the gentleman left the money to the women simply because he cared for them. And his sons will never know because they can't ask him.
However, the rest of us do need to ask questions. We need to have frank conversations with our family members about their lifestyles, goals and intentions. Sometimes, it may help to have those conversations with our family member in the presence of an attorney, minister or doctor. The important thing to realize is that these are things could affect our loved ones later in life, with consequences ranging from sexually transmitted diseases to exploitation and elder abuse.
Coming to terms with the fact that our parents are not perfect, but rather normal, flawed human beings, can be difficult. But accepting this while they are still alive lessens the likelihood of unpleasant surprises after they are gone.
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